mental illness

Same Thing + Different Circumstances = Different Feelings

After having a seemingly empty brain with my social media “Wee Internet Empire” since just prior to my surgery three weeks ago, over the last couple of days I found myself to be quite reflective. Ergo, a blog post appears.

During the past three years I have gone through several phases of doing the same thing, however each phase was for a different reason.

The same thing that I have been doing is staying home, keeping to myself, doing little or nothing with others and even, at times, doing little outside my home office, or at times, in my home office as well, by myself.

So… the first circumstance is probably the most obvious one to most of you. Covid, the pandemic, whatever you want to call it.

Upon returning early in March 2020 from our trip to Malaysia we went immediately into lock-down, or was it locked-in, or perhaps locked-up. Regardless, the aspect of any form of personal contact with others, even family not in the same domicile ceased to exist, we all became persona non grata, pariahs, potential carriers to be avoided or even shunned.

Sure, I could leave the house, but couldn’t go anywhere there were people. It seems that effectively narrowed it down. As the summer weather arrived I would go for the occasional solo motorcycle ride to nowhere, meaning I would ride out in some direction for a while, then turn around and head home. Later on I was actually able to ride with a few fellow veterans. On these rides we would usually remain on our bikes when stopped, maintaining a two metre spacing between us.

For the first year, the weather was pretty agreeable and I was able to ride from about mid May until December. Yes, my last ride of the year was 06 Dec.

Winter then put a kibosh on things, particularly as many restaurants were shut down and the usual family Christmas was by phone.

With the weather being accommodating, I was back on the bike by mid-March, with the summer becoming more or less a repeat of the previous year. Then the bike developed a serious ailment and was at the bike doctor for two months.

It was about this time that the first circumstance was winding down. Covid was still present, however generally society had adapted and some semblance of routine was beginning to emerge.

For me however, I was preparing to enter my second circumstance.

My hip was now bothering me more and there were often times when I would not even attempt to ride my bike as it was painful to do so. This resulted in the bike going into hibernation in September and remaining there until April of the following year, 2022. After that for the next few months, outings did occur, however were very sporadic and the bike was returned to hibernation in September.

At the same time, a combination of factors caused me to be in a very bad head space. On the medical side, I was going through some problems with my lower legs resulting in hospital visits and regular home care visits, all of which had placed my hip surgery on indefinite hold. Mentally, the aspect of not being able to physically do a variety of things I had been doing all my life, combined with the feeling of being a burden with others having to do things I should be doing, had me basically isolating myself at home and partaking in few activities. Interestingly, I knew that these events were part of life, and that I shouldn’t be having negative thoughts about what I was going through. The problem was, knowing that, but not doing that, made things worse as I would beat myself up for being such a dolt, and, as most of you probably know, nobody can beat me up any better than I can.

Anyway, that was basically the second circumstance.

The third circumstance is happening now, as I write this blog post.

On 27 April I finally went in for my total hip replacement surgery. The surgery was successful, I came home the next day, my recovery started, and at this writing (23 days later) is progressing very well. So I am required to use my crutches and walker, exercise and am instructed not to drive for about six weeks. As a result I am dependent upon Kim to drive me to appointments or any other outings, requiring her to take time off work or change her work schedule, to do so. This is something I try to avoid doing, so I am home most of the time with Otis the cat.

This was the point where I became reflective about the three times l was more or less isolated at home, each for different reasons. As an aside, while reflecting on this I was reminded of a 1963 hit song (Alone) In My Room by Willie & the Walkers, a popular Edmonton group that I enjoyed while growing up.

So… three times I did the same thing, staying at home for an extended period of time. Each time was the result of a different set of circumstances. The first time due to the Covid pandemic, second due to my mental state, and the third due to my surgery. Not only was there three sets of circumstances, I realized that there were three completely different sets of feelings.

Cue the feelings comparisons.

Circumstance Number 1 (Covid) – During the pandemic, collectively we had a most serious situation, and staying home was one of the ways that I could support addressing this situation. I wasn’t fussy about it, however I did feel it was something that could help. I was also introduced to the previously unknown term “Zoom Call”. Basically my feeling was, this is not great but it is necessary, so let’s deal with it.

Circumstance Number 2 (Head Space) – During this period I would have a variety of feelings. I would have periods of low self-confidence, low self-esteem and even low self-worth. I would have periods of self-pity, but more often I would be mad and frustrated because I felt I was causing a burden to Kim and others around me as they had to do extra work and I felt I could not do activities which I considered it was my responsibility to do.

Circumstance Number 3 (Post Surgery) – Physically after the surgery I’m feeling fine, I like not having any pain, I feel my mobility getting better all the time. I know that I need to follow the post-surgery instructions, and pretty much am doing so. So what are my basic feelings? I’m bored and lonely. Everything is in place for me to be out and about whenever and wherever I would like except for that one thing, post-surgery instructions.

So how do these three sets of feelings compare.

I much prefer Circumstance 3, as I know the future is good and I just need to be patient.

Circumstance 1 was not a fun time, however it was something shared between millions of people and, in my view, was most necessary. Let’s work on not have to do something like that again.

Circumstance 2 was an unpleasant time. I know it’s also a type of time that many people go through, in some form or other. To let people know they are not alone in that regard was one of the reasons for writing this blog post in the first place, and sharing some of my not so happy feelings. Thank goodness Kim was able to deal with my mood swings, it was difficult for her for sure but I’m blessed that she stuck with me.

Well, there you have it. A few snippets of my life over the past three years. Of course I have not done “chapter and verse” of absolutely all that transpired. I just wanted to pass along some basic circumstances and the feelings associated with them.

Thanks for reading. Catch next time. Please take care of yourself and look out of others.

Motley Mixture of Matters

Recently I’ve had a real mixture of thoughts bouncing around in my aging brain.

Now, this has both positive and negative aspects to it.

The positive aspect is that I actually have thoughts (note that is plural) in my brain. This indicates to me that to some degree it’s still working. The fact that I can remember at least some of the thoughts is quite positive as well.

A negative aspect is that I have thoughts (still plural) but have not completed the process needed to develop any of them properly.

Hence today’s blog post. Today you will get a smattering of a few thoughts, a motley mixture of matters.

Lately in the news, even on CTV, has been the separation of Lisa LaFlamme and CTV (Bell Media). I say separation as there seems to be much discussion as to what it really was. Perhaps she was terminated for being popular and having high ratings, maybe because CTV (Bell) was downsizing, or she was let go because she was a woman with grey hair. Regardless of why, the process used can be described by the letter “D”. It was a despicable, deplorable, demeaning dismissal. Not the way to part company with an individual who was an extremely well known, respected, public face of your organization.

Another recent, highly publicized, event was the verbal abuse directed towards the Honourable Chrystia Freeland, Deputy Prime Minister of Canada. As heinous as this act was, it is yet another example of the growing verbal assaults or abuse, and at times physical threats, directed towards politicians and journalists, mainly women or persons of colour. In my last blog post I spoke about Finger Pointers, those who declare that a situation is always somebody else’s fault. To me, this seems to often be the type of attitude or behaviour which grows from that, growing more extreme. If that is the case, it’s a sad commentary on what we’re becoming.

On a more positive note, one month ago I rode with Michael Terry, on part of his solo Dispatches Adventure Ride, which goes from coast to coast to coast, across Canada and return. Then two weeks ago Kim and I rode with The Rolling Barrage, which is a Canada coast to coast group ride. Both of these rides are in support of, and to raise awareness for, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). As a military veteran I know how much an issue PTSD is to some of my comrades, as well as first responders, so it is important to me to support these annual rides every year. Some videos from this year and previous years is available on my YouTube channel. In the future there will be at least one podcast and more blog posts dealing with this issue and these events.

My last item today is about respect. The respect that I have for health care workers. Over the last few months I have been under the care or treatment of a number of nurses, doctors and other medical people for a variety of reasons. In my dealings with them I have been treated with compassion and dignity. Knowing much of the crap (yes crap) that they have gone through over the past couple of years, I have great respect for their attitude and professionalism. Thank you very much.

Well, that’s it for this blog post, something a little different. I decided early in the process not to have specific directions or timing for my blog, and podcast, but rather just talk about whatever strikes me at the time. This blog post actually came together over a few days.

I would really like to hear from you. Like what I post? Look at other parts of my Wee Internet Empire? Want to do a podcast with me? Like to be involved in a live YouTube event? Have something you think I should perhaps address? Let me know.

Take care. Be well.

Pain – A Personal Perspective

Today, I thought that I would write about pain. Not in a technical, medical or scientific fashion. Rather in personal thoughts, opinions, experiences and observations.

To me, pain manifests itself physically, mentally and emotionally, at times all three simultaneously. A prime example of this would be Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

Being a member of a military veterans group, I have a number of friends who suffer from varying amounts of PTSD, which they are usually able to deal with it in a number of different ways. They may use some combination of a cautious and guarded lifestyle, or utilize medicines and cannabis products, or have supporting service animals. One thing all have is a cadre of brothers and sisters who make themselves available when needed.

Personally I am fortunate suffering only slightly from PTSD as a consequence of a couple events in my past.

So what prompted me to decide to write about pain today.

Well, partially because I suffer from pain myself, and some of my observations of others in pain, much of which is complicated by our current Covid-19 pandemic.

My personal aspect is that I have severely arthritic hip and am on the list for a total hip replacement. Due to the Covid Delta variant filling hospital ICUs basically all scheduled elective surgeries in Alberta have been cancelled or seriously delayed. My brother recently asked about my hip and I told him I was lucky that my surgery had not been postponed or cancelled, however that was most likely because it wasn’t scheduled yet.

So, because of my hip, I have pretty much daily pain. How much varies with my activities, the weather, and quite possibly, the whim of the pain gods. I am like any number of folks with a similar ailment, and do the same as most must do, which is just put up with it as best I can. I know there are many people awaiting various surgeries whose circumstances are much more difficult than mine.

At times, the physical pain is not the primary issue. The mental/emotional pain is. The frustration of not being able to do any number of routine tasks is.

I was unable to ride my motorcycle as the pain would not allow to mount the machine. So, eventually the remedy was to replace my cruiser with a trike, which I was then able to ride. However, as my hip changes, even riding the trike is difficult. Now it is put away for the winter so who knows what spring’s arrival will hold.

Fortunately I am still able to walk, with a cane, but stairs definitely slow me down. I am still able to drive my car, but getting in and out is definitely not a speedy operation. The bathroom is now fitted with mobility assist devices. Getting dressed meant developing new techniques, particularly putting on socks. There is a specific procedure for sitting down and standing up, and not all chairs are suitable.

I don’t say these things to complain. They are part of the process. They are, however, indications of the frustrations I have experienced. Now add to this, the aspect of the Covid pandemic, which has curtailed physical contact with friends and colleagues, and almost eliminated many of the volunteer activities I was used to doing with both my local Kiwanis club and my veterans group. Even with my hip pain I was able to do some of these things as well as travel with my wife to visit our children and grandchildren in Malaysia. Now all on hold.

I would be lying if these situations didn’t lead to some degree of mental/emotional pain. I like to be involved in things and have found that when I do nothing, then I do nothing, almost like withdrawing. Unfortunately my wife, God love her, is the one who has to deal with me. Honestly, I would be in much worse shape if not for her.

With her kicking my ass, in a manner of speaking, I am making an effort to be more active, hence an increased blog post activity, beginning a podcast and a few other things. As well, I have a friend in Nova Scotia, his name is Rob, who has been stirring up some of my creative juices as well, so we’ll see how things go. There will be more about both these two in future blogs and podcasts.

Most people know that pain is a challenge. A challenge which, with support, although we may not be able to overcome it, we can adjust to deal with it to a large degree.

Thank you for reading. As always, your comments are welcome.

Suicide – Some Thoughts

Just prior to the end of 2014, a lady I know lost her son to suicide.  He was not quite nineteen years old.

Although we had never met in person, we have spoken numerous times via social media and I have also seen her often on television.  As a result I feel that I know her reasonably well, although not as a personal friend.  In this case also it turns out that I work with the police officers who responded to her son’s passing.

Over the years, this is the fourth time that I have been close, in some fashion, to the suicide of a young person.  They have all been males, under the age of twenty-two.

One was the son of a lady that I worked with while in the military.  Another was the son of one of my dearest friends, a lady who has spent her life helping people.  The third was a close friend, like a brother, of a lady that I lived with for a few years.

These four events were, not surprisingly, remarkably similar in many ways.  However, there is one area in which the latest event is distinctively different.

The first three suicides were dealt with quietly so as to draw no undue attention, “kept under wraps” so to speak.

Not so with this latest suicide.  The approach is exactly opposite.  This young lad’s mother and father (they were divorced and had both remarried), have decided that it is long past time to put these occurrences front and centre, to have them recognized as a mental health issue and treated as such.

To this end, she has been appearing on radio talk shows, television news, and has had articles about her, and her son, in quite a number of newspapers.  She has a very strong social media following and is using that to spread the word as well.  It is not an easy road she has chosen to follow, however she strongly feels it to be necessary and the right thing to do.  I also believe that what she is doing is her way of helping to cope with the aspects of losing her son.

Suicide is a disease, it inflicts a terrible toll on the family and friends of those who die.  According to a fact sheet posted in October 2011 by CTV News, suicide accounts for 24% of deaths among 15-24 year old Canadians and is the second leading cause of death for those between 10 and 24.

I consider this woman to be brave, for confronting the pain of her loss head on, and courageous, as she strives to create greater recognition of suicide as a serious form of mental illness.  I know how outspoken and stubborn she can be, and I both admire and applaud what she is doing.  It is my hope that she will succeed in not only creating a much greater awareness, but achieving some progress in dealing with this disease.  This blog post is part of my way to support her and to help this process along.

Over 3500 Canadians will die as a result of suicide this year.  Don’t you think that it’s about time that we all did something about it!